Grieving...

I have been in Redding for 11 years now, the longest I've ever lived anywhere in my life!  We have been blessed to live close to many relatives on my mom's side of the family, my parents are here quite a bit (they come and go between here and Canada) and we now have most of Ashish's family here as well.  Over the years we have been blessed with some very dear friends here as well.  So much life has happened here in this place.  I went from being a single woman to a married woman and then to a mother of one and now a mother of two beautiful, precious children that mean everything to me.  I have a job and a ministry that I love and am blessed to see God moving in tangible ways quite regularly.  I have a fantastic group of colleagues that I work with and whose company I genuenly enjoy.  I have so much to be thankful for!  And yet today my heart is heavy as I face the reality of one of the downsides of living in Redding:  people leave.

I know that this is a common reality today.  Families move, kids go off to college, friends receive job offers in different states or even countries.  I moved several times growing up, from Minnesota to Arizona, to British Columbia and then to Redding.  In my years as a Resident Director I have had over a thousand students come through my residence hall(s).  This, of course, is to be expected.  Students are typically here 4 or 5 years and then they move on.  Many of them leave deep imprints on our hearts and while we celebrate their accomplishments and what God has planned for their futures, their departure is often painful.

But it's not just the students who leave.  Friends and co-workers seem to have a high turn-over rate around here.  And to be frank, I don't like it.  I've found myself putting up walls around my heart as the years have unfolded.  The pain of loss has toughened me up and strengthened me in some ways but has made me callous in others.  I have become much more guarded than I'd like to be.

This is a reality that I've been working on for a while now and I've slowly been letting the walls down and letting people back in to the deeper places of my life.  The result has been a much richer day-to-day experience as I've experienced community in deeper and more profound ways.  I have found safety and comfort in understanding and supportive friends and family and have been able to offer that in return.

But this summer, I am faced with a deeper sense of loss than I've felt in some time as some very dear people are saying goodbye and moving across the world and across the country.  On one hand I rejoice for these dear people knowing that God called them to something new, something different.  I celebrate their accomplishments and will continue to cheer them on and lift them up in prayer as they venture into exciting and challenging territory.  But the selfish side of me hates it.  I miss my friends who have already left deeply.  I'm going to miss my relatives terribly.  And I'm going to miss the others who have held a special place in our hearts but are also leaving this summer.

I don't usually blog about the struggles and hard things in my life.  It's so much easier to share the happy things that we are experiencing on a day to day experience and avoid the fear of dragging others down with our disappointments and struggles.  But in an effort to keep from putting my walls back up again and to avoid "stuffing" the grief I am feeling over these losses, I'm sharing honestly from my heart and praying that the Lord will continue to bring people into our lives that we can experience community with in the way that He desires for us.  Thanks for "listening" and for letting me expose some of what's going on in the deeper places of my heart.